Saturday, September 26, 2009
I'm sure if you read my last post you can tell I have been struggling. Struggling with being back in America while the children I touched in Uganda are living on their own in poverty fending for themselves in a thankless environment. Struggling with why I live here with so much while those kids I held just a few weeks ago live with nothing - hungry and sick. Struggling with what to do with what I saw. Struggling with how to even verbalize what shattered my heart. Struggling with the ease with which I slip back into self focused mode. Struggling with my job and how meaningless it has felt since I've been back. Struggling with what to do with this passion that I know God is stirring in my heart. Struggling with coming to terms with what I feel is my God given dream... ministering to and advocating for the orphans in Africa. Struggling with not knowing what's next. S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G.
Yesterday I really just gave it all back to God. He knows why I was in Africa and why my heart continues to pound loudly in my chest for these children and their situations. He knows my desires to care for them and see them cared for. He knows my path and my future.
So, tonight I went to church. It was a great message about recognizing that God is King. King of everything - including the kids my heart breaks for, including me. But all through church I just wanted to really connect with God at that deep heart level - to hear from Him. Do you know what I mean? I just needed to be fed by the presence of God. I've sat through many an encouraging church service without really and truly connecting with God in the deepest sense. And at the end of the service tonight I thought maybe I had sat through another one.
God showed up. I was getting my purse and heading out the door to pick up my daughter from Children's Church when I felt a hand on my arm. I turned around and there was a stranger introducing himself to me saying that he was there from out of town with the guest speaker for the weekend. He said he felt like God had given him a message for me. Um...okay. I was all ears at this point. So my new friend of 30 seconds - Todd, who doesn't know me, has no idea I just got off the plane from Africa a week ago or how I've struggled this week with what God is doing in me, starts to almost cry and says:
"As soon as I saw you walk in the room tonight I felt God tell me you are a person who communicates passion and is on fire with the dream God has given you. I feel like God wants you to know that in the places you go and speak about this passion He will light fires and stir people. God is going to grow this passion in you and accelerate the dream He's given you. I think the key thing God wants you to know tonight is that He's going to accelerate your dream."
And he told me to read Psalm 104 because he thought God might have more to speak to me through it. With that he was gone.
Whoa. Of course I was weeping by the time he got to the "you're a person on fire with the dream God has given you" part. And yes, I realize that was his first sentence. :) I was full on crying. Apparently I was really needing to hear from God. :) I obviously am not sharing this in a "yippee...look what God said about me" kind of way. But to simply say this...
O how He loves us! God loves me enough to send some guy from California to my church tonight to tell me that He knows my heart. God has placed this dream in me. The reason I feel like I'm on fire inside is because I am - and it's a fire God has started in me. HE KNOWS. He is the Initiator of my dream and He will be the Accelerator and Completer of it. It's been His dream from the beginning.
So tonight, I am just in awe of my Savior who loves me so well and so completely. He knew I needed to hear from Him tonight and He came and met me. My hope is renewed and I feel like I've been given strength to stand and look to the future with expectation.
While Todd referenced verse 4 of Psalm 104 which says "He makes winds His messengers and flames of fire His servants" I went on to read the rest of the chapter tonight. Turns out that chapter houses several verses that have been my prayer as I fast and pray on Wednesdays for the hungry people in Africa...
"How many are your works, O Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures...These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time. When you give it to them they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things."
Wow. How thankful I am that tonight God opened His hand and satisfied me with good things! His love is marvelous and wonderful and I'm in awe that I get to bask in it.
And P.S. - I think tonight happened in great part due to the fact that I have you guys praying for me as I walk this path. Now is certainly no time stop. :) I am SO thankful for you all.
Posted by Amy at 8:34 PM