Wednesday, May 19, 2010


My computer screen is blinking at me waiting for me to type.  I'm not quite sure what I want/need to write tonight but I know I must write so here I go.  Since being home from Ethiopia for the past month I have been filled with so much emotion.  So much, in fact, that I haven't really been able to verbalize it to anyone.  I told a friend today that I feel paralyzed in a way.  I guess that explains my blog silence. :) Our three weeks in Ethiopia were filled with so much.  So much good and so much that is just painful. 

Obviously, the highlight of our time in Ethiopia was meeting our son, Tariku.  I can't tell you what an amazing kid he is.  He is just pure JOY.  We had braced ourselves for so much difficulty but honestly haven't had any trouble since we've been home!  We are just eating up every delicious moment with him (as I know the difficult part will come!).  I marvel at him.  His smile.  His belly laugh.  His sense of humor.  His ability to pick things up so quickly.  His sensitivity to others.

What I think I hadn't expected so soon was that I am grieving for my son.  I know...weird, right?  Why am I grieving for my happy, seemingly adjusting son?  His story is his to tell and I won't go into detail about it.  Suffice it to say he has gone through quite a bit in his first four years of life.  It's hard just having small tidbits of information about his past.  I want so badly to know it all so that I can help him in the way that he needs.  Our little guy is a fighter.  A survivor. 

I think my heart is just heavy with the knowledge of what he has had to bear...things I can't imagine.  Our world is so, so broken.  I can't fix it.  You can't fix it.  All together we can't fix it.  I'm just so thankful that one day it will all be whole and right and that God will make all things new.  Only He can bring full restoration.  None of us can make our past go away...both the mistakes that we have made and the hurt that has been brought on us by others.  But we can let God into those spaces to bring healing and hope.  That's my prayer for Tariku...that God enters those crevasses I'll never be able to fit in and fills him up and meets him there.  That He heals the broken places in his heart and that somehow God uses Ben and I to play a part in that. That as we love him with abandon Tariku will catch a glimpse of just how wildly, crazy in love his Heavenly Father is with him.

For now, I just get to sit with the searing pain that threatens to tear me open some days and also the utter joy that my son brings wherever he goes.  Psalm 30:5 says "Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning."  I know there's a legitimate place for the "weeping" right now in my own heart.  And the joy has already come in the form of a 48 pound little boy who has changed my life.  I am just so thankful for him...and for the story God is going to tell with his life. 



  1. Thank you for sharing. Even when it painful....

  2. What a lovely post. Your honesty and vulnerability are appreciated. We are headed to China in a couple months to pick up our daughter, and are completing a dossier for Ethiopia. We are grateful to learn from those who have gone before us.

    Congrats on your son. May God bless you as He breaks your heart with your son's history. Lean in and gather all that He is teaching you.

  3. I understand completely. When I spent two weeks in Ethiopia and returned home to my normal life, people often asked me about my trip and the only reponse I could come up with was "life and heart changing". I ended up making a 'video' of my time there that helped express what was in my heart (sort of)....Forever changed and looking forward to going back to get our two children.


  4. Truly lovely. Thoughts of my own heart for my two soon to be finalized adopted children. I needed the reminder that I can't heal it all...that true restoration will only come through our Father.

  5. Thank you for this. I am more and more anticipating bringing home our child and all that will entail. I'm so grateful for your honesty. I always say something similar to this in regards to parenting in general--because we will never do it perfectly, and God has to fill in the gaps in my kids--he's the only one who can! How much more so for these little one who are rescued from such heartbreaking backgrounds. "God is close to the brokenhearted."

  6. Amy, I have been thinking of you and praying things were going great! Glad to hear Tariku is adjusting well. Don't wait for the other shoe to drop just enjoy him! We have been with Mamo for almost 4 months and he has never changed. He LOVES LOVES LOVES life. I feel you heart about grieving. I have been a lost mess since we returned. I fill like God has tilled up my heart and I am so ready for him to plant SOMETHING in it! Surely, he wouldn't guide me to fall in love with something I can only dream about. I love ya Amy!

  7. Those words give me so much hope for the future. Praying for your boy! Hunter (16) and I love watching his videos :) Precious!

    Love you!

  8. i love you beautiful heart. Tariku will know these things, because you will live it out everyday for him.

  9. Sitting at my desk whaling. Paralyzed. I have been so much so that I couldn't even think of the word to describe it. Thank you.

  10. 1st - I love you Amy Savage!
    2nd - God is already doing amazing things through Tariku. He brings tons of joy to everyone he meets. I love watching him and I love that my kiddos get to be his friends.
    3rd - Dustin spoke at a Fields of Faith event earlier this year and he spoke about how he knows that God did not intentionally cause him pain throughout his childhood (his mom was/is an alcoholic, rough childhood, bad divorce, plus many, many other issues), but that once those things had happened, God set about to use them to make him into the person he is today. He wouldn't be able to relate to the struggling kids at school as easily if he had grown up behind a white picket fence, for example. Obviously, that is an entirely different kind of situation than the one that T came from, but rest assured, someday, the things he has survived will play a part in the man/husband/father/etc. that he will become. :)

    Jo :)

  11. WOW! Your openness and tenderness is already a tool in making good of your son's life! "Hearing" your post is inspiring us to pray for you and your son, and is already tenderizing our hearts just by knowing that he (and other children) endure tough times. He WILL come out of this on higher ground via the love of his Heavenly Father as well as you guys, his earthly parents.

    May God continue to bless all of you. May God continue to break your heart for what ails Him, while also restoring your hearts for the abundance He cannot wait to bestow upon you guys! {big smile!}

    Enjoy the blessing of this little boy! YOUR precious son!